William Burroughs would have loved SPAM

Spam isn’t all bad.

I have been receiving some wonderful SPAM for the last year or so and I thought it might be time to share some of it with you. It always comes dressed as an advertisement for virility drugs and at the tail end of each ad for these quasi-illegal stimulants there is attached a thick slice of meaty prose; William S. Burroughs style. The stuff is gibberish, but it does not matter actually, because it is supposed to be rather senseless, as it is not a linear story line; it is language, pure language, words, rhythm, noise, or is it?

It actually reminds me of my old pal Mr. Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music double album for RCA, which no one seems to like, but that I have come to absolutely love because I find it so, how shall I say, pure & clean & sonic?

So, enough of my yakking already, read on and enjoy some digital cut-ups why don’t’cha - Here is a nice long snippet of some inter-web-spam/burroughs-esque linguistic genius that has come my way in the last few weeks. I am so lucky to get a chance to read this, and now, so are you:


I cannot guess your reason for so thinking, my lord, I replied, but
Oh, said the loafer, with a grin, it is very warm hereabouts,
little affectation, if any; drinking the warm ale with a tea-spoon,
in being more lasting and more firmly established. The various kinds
Traddles, and the rest of those boys; and felt my hopes of growing
virtue of which it was given to me, it was lost, and could never be
exist at all, neither proposition is true, but even if the subject
of the fire, and running him through with it. It went from me with
were changed at all; but it was as undefined as ever, and addressed
As I cant be anything important, said Tootles, would any of
this cost him, or the consciousness of talking in that feeble way,
understanding that I had now of his misdirected energy, became an
or two gun-rooms and cabins he was not a little criticized by some Peggotty knew it. I said that I had been more miserable than I
I said that I should hope to hear, whenever she had an opportunity this, it would likely stick at nothing; and that to fall by the sword,
reward, and he was free. It might please the authorities to give to it I asked for no more information about Mr. Wickfield, as she offered
She was pleased, but answered, Tut, Trot; MY old bones would have thoughts upon the future, and was so well content with what I then
because I - hadnt any money. Now, I have kept my eye since, upon I reserve my answer, said I. The question will be put to me at the
To show that her departure would leave him unmoved, he skipped up up in a corner of the counterpane, and cried myself to sleep.
before, and I felt and told her with the deepest gratitude that take it now as an example to you, Michael, if I hadnt lost the
shoulder, her sweet eyes shining through her tears, on mine. But I had had my view of that detestable business they call politics -
your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? Im sure _I_ shant made a speech about me, in the course of which I had been affected
that Mr. Micawber is destined never to receive any answers whatever fling on the proceedings. Sirs, this is a tale to make the world ring
it looked upon a horse. - and her shawl would not keep right, and grave, where for a few moments, in the bright and silent midnight,
het stane to his wame, and we gied him hyssop and water of pennyroyal, I think, sir, says Alan, that you speak the English?
that your being secret and clandestine, is not being like the idyllic nature of the scene shook him profoundly. Mastered by
keeps no diary in these days; never sings Affections Dirge; and pen cannot describe the happy scene, over which we draw a veil.
mountain would never be called small or a grain large. Again, we say It was almost ten oclock before we heard the sound of wheels. We
quartered on us like a horrible young changeling. He had a lively ironical politeness Hook raised his hat to her, and, offering her
Agnes; but seeing that I looked as usual, she took off her illiterate nightingale was sometimes the composer of his own song.
furrows; the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets live Peggotty is quite comfortable now, Mr. Barkis, I remarked, for
nature, be increased by the sum of one more helpless victim; whose suggestions as to plotting disaffection aboard. Yes, the shrewd may soprobability half as learned. Reasoning would not change the fact; and Trotwood, come here, getting me close to him, that he might
expressing heretical opinions on various points of ceremony, she think we should be too much of a handful, sir? Because if so we can go
the attitude of something. So it is with all other relatives that have checking himself, and pausing a long time, therell be a pretty
He dined in town yesterday, and drove down in the phaeton by Hereupon all three, and the old Miss Grant as well, cried out against
Mr. Micawber attentively, with his whole face breathing short and leave the wood without waiting to see Alan, and go forth again alone,
in such matters is not easy to natures constituted like Captain reality and mystery of the whole show, the influence upon me of the
and ruin, its as bad. I doent know, being a ladys, but what all our wisdom till the end of time. And till the end of time young
But, Peggotty told me, when she lighted me to a little chamber you,- at the crisis too- a troubled hesitancy, proceeding, I doubt
Liza was in a bad temper, for she was mixing the Christmas Dismal enough in the dark, he said: and the sea roars as if it
nothing. I told you she took everything, herself included, to a Tedious talk this, but being a stay-at-home she liked it.
accede to Mr. Copperfields proposal, as to admit his visits here. returned to the home, where an unworthy scene had been enacted in
You see I know more than you fancied, he resumed in triumph. And as I observed the Old Soldier - not to adopt the name disrespectfully
lives down in Devonshire - one of ten. Consequently, I am not so O yes, Mr. David, said she, that is what I think of you. The head
Dora told me, shortly afterwards, that she was going to be a not but think there was kindness in the eye with which she saw me.
picturesqueness, to the Monitors and yet mightier hulls of the cheap place. These provisions laid in, we went on through a great
at all, and in which he surpassed all his previous efforts, Mr. old desperate sept of caterans would be banded against me with the
A curse upon you. she said, looking round at me, with a mingled Suppose we change the subject, the March Hare interrupted,
prepared to be a father also; and for a boy like me to play the father ready: but both our master and the patroon of the boat scrupled at the
sat, at first, a little way off, at her spinning, or such work as As I am not to hear the matter, says the laird, I will not take uponAh. then yours wasnt a really good school, said the Mock of ten years endeavouring to keep King Charles the First out of the
seeing Mrs. Steerforth. As I felt bound to assist him in this, and never heard the cry of anguish he hoped to wring from her. He heard
necessary to demonstrate certain principles that were axioms to I believed, from the solitary and thoughtful way in which my mother
on his arm. They were all delighted with my residence. When I it would not be advisable, Starkey, to humour the hook?
I see my follies, now, sir. Thats what makes me comfortable. was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.
visit him to-morrow in the castle whither he was now transferred, and gentleman now and then receives a call from some simple traveller, and
Stay. said Miss Lavinia, holding up her hand; we resolved, moment, I could lay all these troubles by, which were after all and
real, and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently, and weapons as they could find. First signing to them to hide, Peter cut
another map showing through, it is all rather confusing, especially as most disastrous step of marrying you, in short, said my aunt, to
way. Number two in the Court was soon reached; and an inscription the power of reasoning; did as I was bid; took my leave I know not how;
hour. Then she came out, and took a seat beside me. do. It just goes out of itself when she falls asleep, same as the
all love and laughter, every time I cast an eye on you. And now I will Agnes was one of Mr. Dicks friends, very soon; and in often coming
How the time wears, I know not; until I am recalled by my undoing itself, she carried it out into the open air. IF I
relative positions, Uriahs of power and Mr. Wickfields of Tinker Bell, and knew that in their dire hour they were not likely
Of course; that is why I have come He added a little sternly, that to have beneath our roof, under existing circumstances, a mind
sparrows to this hour, for nothing else, and see the plumage of the bat? when suddenly, thump. thump. down she came upon a heap of
those butterflies, and give em to the chimney-sweepers for substances, it is clear from the following arguments apart from
beautifully. She was much pleased, and bowed beautifully to him from glimmering afar off, and yet again. And he wondered about it, in
her art should fail, and she should think of hiding of herself. several of them were in the air at a time, like bales of goods flungtongue-tie of- him- in yonder, again designating the mortuary
Shun-repentance, to descant upon the inestimable advantages
shall come near me, living or dying, while I can raise my hand to