some thoughts on turning 39

Birthdays are times for celebration & reflection. T'was on this very
day back in the year of our lord 1967 aka THE SUMMER OF LOVE - that
yours truly came stomping onto the world's stage. 39 years and
counting. As I reflect back on the good times, the bad times, the
strange times and the mad times I see a life of moments; the
individual scales that compose the body of the great fish.
I have been
taking a lot of photos recently - I get a camera and I never turn it
off it seems - I am a documenting fiend - and this is cool, because
those tiny, individual moments which comprise MY life are in some way
"captured" for as long as the pics remain. Then I think of all those
moments when there were no camera's around, moments that have wisped
into the wind tunnel of time never to be repeated again, memories that
live only in snippets and even most of them are lost forever. That is
the beauty of youth of course, as the young rarely take a larger view
of what is happening in the "right now" of their lives - only to wake
up one day, at 39 perhaps, and just begin to see how all those little
pieces fit together on the grid.

This last year has been one of many changes for me. When I turned 38
last year I had just come out of a very serious 5 year relationship
and was dealing with the pain of that loss. The year which followed
saw many high states and low states though it also became one of the
most creative periods in my artistic life. As I began to reexamine who
I was and what it was that I want, need, seek, enjoy & love in this
life I exploded musically (creating my alter ego - alpinista - see
link to myspace site to the right). I dove back into my love of film
that perhaps had escaped me over the years - the passion reignited for
the power of the image and the majesty of the moving image. I opened
my mind to old ideas that I had perhaps brushed off, revisiting them
and on many occasions reevaluating my stance on them. I also dealt
with regrets, lamented the loss of messed up relationships that ended
in falling out or apart, the loss of dead friends and reexamined my
ideas of what it was that I was looking for in a friend in the first
place. In many ways the year that just passed was a time I am apt to
call the opening salvo of the great awakening for myself. Not that I
was asleep for all the years previously, on the contrary, I was
collecting the raw materials in order to present to my muse.

This was also a year that I had to come to terms with how I am going
to set about living the rest of my life. For, as your life is yours,
this is MY life and how I live it is not drawn out in some how-to
manual. There is no right or wrong way to go about living and it is OK
to fail, to fall flat on the face but if there is one thing I have
always done is get up, buck up, get in the low crouch and begin
marching toward the enemy trench again - for they haven't killed me
YET. So, as I contemplate the future with one eye on the triumphs &
missteps of my past (I don't really believe in missteps actually, all
steps are valid and add to the whole - ask Thomas Edison for instance
- a master of the missteppers).

As some of you know, I returned to college 3 years ago to complete a
task (obtaining a bachelors degree) that I had danced around and put
off for many, many years. Well, I will complete this task in December
and I will proudly hang the deed on my wall. For many ways doing this
was perhaps easier than it would have been had I gone when I was 18
and fresh out of high school - as life experience and the natural
sponge like nature of my mind brought a great deal to my academic
party. Though in many ways it has been quite tough - on a psychic
level more than anything - and as many of you know who have been down
this pike, there were many days when I thought it was a huge waste of
my time and that it would never end. Well, it, as all things do, will
end come December and I am already looking at the experience with a
great deal of pride. It is the highest mountain I have ever climbed
(and I've been on some big hills) and I did learn a great deal - I
used to think I knew everything and what I did not know was not in the
least bit important - well, I think differently now.

So, the furies willing of course, if I see 40 next year I will enter
my fifth decade with a wealth of amazing experiences under my belt, a
mind & soul massaged with recent learning & an openess to new ideas
and the steely gaze I wear whenever I stand under a big mountain and
take that first step toward a distant summit. I look forward to this
new year of 39 and see it as the year that so many of my dreams will
begin to come true. I am making a film (ostensibly for school though
it may grow into something with more heft if it is any good) and I am
going to continue to make the music that makes my heart soar. Let me
say something about this music I make and then I'll sign off. I had
put music down for many years - last standing on a stage performing in
San Francisco in 1994. I dabbled occasionally, strummed my guitar and
did a little bit of recording from time to time (the last strong set
of recordings was while living with my best pal Meeno in Los Angeles
in 1999). My output was always hampered by my rudimentary skills and
the low rent technology I was saddled with. Well, technology finally
caught up with me, I have been waiting my whole life for it to get
here. I once heard orchestra's in my head as I strummed out my chords
and sadly that is where they stayed - in my head - and let's face it,
I wasn't going to get an orchestra to come hang around the living room
while I worked up a new musical idea. Well, now the orchestra is here,
for with this fantastic technology, I (and you too by the way) can
bring to fruition those ideas that previously only lived in my head. I
have only just begun to bring this work to light.

So with that said I hope to see all of you soon.

Once More Into The Breach!

Rob